Pigs and legs and muffins.

Today we tried unsuccessfully to get an easy chair from the garage into the house. In fairness, this chair is HUGE. When we bought it, the guy informed us that it’s actually called a chair-and-a-half. Trying to get the damn thing through the door involved a lot of google searches, swearing, shimmying, pivoting, and numerous declarations of, “fuck it, it’s not going to fit.” Everyone on the internets seems to agree that you can get almost any couch, no matter the size, through any door, no matter the size. Apparently, couches defy the laws of physics. And we’re dealing with a mere chair here. Well, chair-and-a-half.

Anyway, “fuck it” won out and we gave up for now. I think the final solution is going to be cutting the legs off the thing, because then it will definitely fit. Plus I like breaking out my new power saw at the drop of a hat. Or should I say, drop of a chair-and-a-half, in this case. (How many more times can I say chair-and-a-half, you’re wondering? Don’t tempt me!)

Despite the fact that it was deliciously, unseasonable warm today, it’s now cold as balls with a nasty wind chill. This calls for a round of banana nut muffins, I say. The problem with baking in this house is that I bought this new microwave, and while it is sort of hilarious in it’s retroness (which is made more amusing by the anachronism of a 50′s style microwave), it doesn’t have a timer!

I don’t know what sort of dingus would design a microwave without a timer, but they did. Apparently, it’s 2012, we no longer need kitchen timers! Have no fear, the oven has a timer, yes? Well yes, but the oven is truly retro and has this horrid buzzer style timer alarm that makes me (and the cats) think the world is ending when it goes off.  BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!! So now I know why they make egg timers, which I always felt were a completely superfluous kitchen device meant only to be filler for a Christmas stocking or as a Hanukkah gift.  (I seem to remember getting an egg timer for Hanukkah as a kid. Twas shaped like a pig.)

So now I’m forced to use my innate kitchen timer, which actually turns out to be not so bad, but I don’t trust it. It’s only a matter of time before I burn some muffins. Speaking of which… muffin time!

Hot Garbage

Best things I’ve said when talking in my sleep:

While frantically grasping at the bed and wall, “I knew it! There are crab in here!”

During a particularly dramatic courtroom drama dream, I guess, “Gah, he knocked the fucking gavel out of your hand. Act like a man! ACT LIKE A FUCKING MAN!”

Of course, since I was asleep when I said them, I have to rely solely on Mr. Smarmy to provide accurate transcripts, and to also not completely make shit up, which he loves to do. Often.

One time he told me that his step dad referred to some kittens they had as, “Pretty cool little dudes.” You probably have to know his step dad to know how funny it would be if he used those words. He did not actually say that, and that makes the world slightly less funny.

Unfortunately, Mr. Smarmy himself does not talk in his sleep. The most he does is breathe funny so I have to poke him in the arm to make him roll over. One time, he somehow knew I was waking up and took the opportunity to stop breathing. And you’d think it wouldn’t be that noticeable to a just-woken-up-individual, but I immediately noticed that he wasn’t breathing and had a minor freak out. Boy, did he think that was just the funniest thing ever. PURE EVIL.

Speaking of evil practical jokes, when we first met, he used to talk about this elaborate joke he’d thought about playing on me, which involved paying some random old man to sit in his closet, and then when I noticed said old man and said, “WHO/WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” he would respond, “Who? Where…? What are you talking about.”  It’s a good thing he never did it, because I probably would have punched him in the nuts.

He’s probably realized now that such fancy pantsery is a waste on me, because I scare the crap out of myself on a regular basis. Sometimes he’ll walk into my studio to tell me something, but over the music and the machines and my sucky hearing, I don’t hear him. So he speaks and I have a mini heart attack because OH MY GOD SOMEONE IS RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!! and then I yell at him about sneaking up on me and he laughs and plays the innocent card.

Back to my sucky hearing- my best Mondegreens:

(What was actually said) – The brothers have this eternal competition…
(What I heard) – The brothers have this Sea Turtle Competition…

(What was actually said) – A Giant Tent Sale!
(What I heard) – Vagina Tent Sale!

Happy New Year!

We hit some big milestones this year.  Over 86,000 unique visitors, 125,000 total visits, and 1.25 MILLION page views in one month!  Thank you all for the feedback, ideas, and comments that keep me motivated and inspired.

Things might be a bit quiet over here for a few days, as I am armpit-deep in fabric while I move my studio (and the rest of our house) to the NEW house. But rest assured that I have lots of awesome in store for WhatTheCraft in 2012!