Hot Garbage

Best things I’ve said when talking in my sleep:

While frantically grasping at the bed and wall, “I knew it! There are crab in here!”

During a particularly dramatic courtroom drama dream, I guess, “Gah, he knocked the fucking gavel out of your hand. Act like a man! ACT LIKE A FUCKING MAN!”

Of course, since I was asleep when I said them, I have to rely solely on Mr. Smarmy to provide accurate transcripts, and to also not completely make shit up, which he loves to do. Often.

One time he told me that his step dad referred to some kittens they had as, “Pretty cool little dudes.” You probably have to know his step dad to know how funny it would be if he used those words. He did not actually say that, and that makes the world slightly less funny.

Unfortunately, Mr. Smarmy himself does not talk in his sleep. The most he does is breathe funny so I have to poke him in the arm to make him roll over. One time, he somehow knew I was waking up and took the opportunity to stop breathing. And you’d think it wouldn’t be that noticeable to a just-woken-up-individual, but I immediately noticed that he wasn’t breathing and had a minor freak out. Boy, did he think that was just the funniest thing ever. PURE EVIL.

Speaking of evil practical jokes, when we first met, he used to talk about this elaborate joke he’d thought about playing on me, which involved paying some random old man to sit in his closet, and then when I noticed said old man and said, “WHO/WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” he would respond, “Who? Where…? What are you talking about.”  It’s a good thing he never did it, because I probably would have punched him in the nuts.

He’s probably realized now that such fancy pantsery is a waste on me, because I scare the crap out of myself on a regular basis. Sometimes he’ll walk into my studio to tell me something, but over the music and the machines and my sucky hearing, I don’t hear him. So he speaks and I have a mini heart attack because OH MY GOD SOMEONE IS RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!! and then I yell at him about sneaking up on me and he laughs and plays the innocent card.

Back to my sucky hearing- my best Mondegreens:

(What was actually said) – The brothers have this eternal competition…
(What I heard) – The brothers have this Sea Turtle Competition…

(What was actually said) – A Giant Tent Sale!
(What I heard) – Vagina Tent Sale!

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